34 Week Appointment
I had to have an ultrasound on Friday because little guy is measuring behind schedule. As suspected, baby is just fine. He's just measuring small...in the 20th percentile. They estimated current weight at 4.5 lbs and birth weight to be 6.5 lbs. Ethan measured small, too, and he came out at 7.11 lbs, so we'll see. I guess if he's smaller, then it'll be easier for me since I fully intend to give natural birth.
Weight gain for Momma: 0 lbs. Considering I gained a whopping 7 lbs between weeks 30 and 32, I'll take no weight gain. I'm currently sitting at 23 lbs gained so far with less than 6 weeks to go. The goal? Keep it around 30. That gives me a pound a week. Let's hope.
Next appointment, I'll be 36 weeks! Holy Cow! At that time, I'll put our car seats in the car and start stocking food in the freezer for easy meals. The time is quickly approaching, and as you'll see below, I'm terrified!
So in my last post, I bemoaned the terrible side effects of pregnancy and how much I do not enjoy being pregnant. So to continue with the theme of a negative tone, I'll share today the terror I feel for this baby to arrive.
I know what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to say that I am so excited to meet the little guy that's been taking up residency in my belly. I'm supposed to say how much I can't wait for him to get here. I'm not supposed to have any negative feelings. Just excitement and love and peacefulness. And I can say all those things. I am excited to hold him for the first time. I'm excited to see what color his hair will be. I'm excited to watch Ethan's face light up upon meeting his little brother for the first time. I'm excited to feed the little guy and love the little guy and bring the little guy home. All those things are very, very true. But there's another side to this coin, as there often is....
I'm terrified. Not just a little apprehensive. Literally terrified. I'm afraid that it'll be too much. I'm afraid I won't handle things right with Ethan and I'll make him feel like second best when that'll never be the case. I'm afraid I'll become too impatient with Ethan in my sleep deprived state. I'm so afraid the baby won't sleep. That he'll wake every hour and fifteen minutes like Ethan did. I'm afraid that I'll lose my mind!
These have to be rational fears. They have to be. What second-time mom doesn't worry about these things? And I'll tell you that while I was so ready and anxious for Ethan to just come out already, I feel like this pregnancy has flown by and I'm not ready mentally to have him. I could use a few more months. I have less than 6 weeks! I know all will work out, but I can't see it. I just can't see it yet. And I won't till he's here.
Add to that last night. I check on Ethan before I go to bed every night. I always have and probably always will as long as he's under my roof. And as I sat there on his bed watching him sleep, I cried. I cried because I know that in a short few weeks, our lives are going to change. And that change is going to be so hard on him. He's my baby. He'll always be my baby, but right now, he IS my baby. My only baby. And I can devote my time to him. How will he feel when I have to split that time? How will I feel? I want to keep Ethan little, but I've been told time and time again....and also by my best friend that just had a baby Wednesday and has a 3 year old, that overnight, he'll become a big boy. A regular kid. How can my little Ethan become a kid overnight? I will miss him so much. The he that he is now. I know it's all normal and everything will work out, but it's tough right now. Just a little tough!