Monday, April 2, 2012

Confessions of a soon-to-be new mom....and the 34 week appt.

34 Week Appointment
I had to have an ultrasound on Friday because little guy is measuring behind schedule.  As suspected, baby is just fine. He's just measuring small...in the 20th percentile. They estimated current weight at 4.5 lbs and birth weight to be 6.5 lbs. Ethan measured small, too, and he came out at 7.11 lbs, so we'll see. I guess if he's smaller, then it'll be easier for me since I fully intend to give natural birth.


Weight gain for Momma: 0 lbs. Considering I gained a whopping 7 lbs between weeks 30 and 32, I'll take no weight gain. I'm currently sitting at 23 lbs gained so far with less than 6 weeks to go. The goal? Keep it around 30. That gives me a pound a week. Let's hope.


Next appointment, I'll be 36 weeks! Holy Cow! At that time, I'll put our car seats in the car and start stocking food in the freezer for easy meals. The time is quickly approaching, and as you'll see below, I'm terrified!
Complaints Continue
So in my last post, I bemoaned the terrible side effects of pregnancy and how much I do not enjoy being pregnant. So to continue with the theme of a negative tone, I'll share today the terror I feel for this baby to arrive.

I know what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to say that I am so excited to meet the little guy that's been taking up residency in my belly. I'm supposed to say how much I can't wait for him to get here. I'm not supposed to have any negative feelings. Just excitement and love and peacefulness. And I can say all those things. I am excited to hold him for the first time. I'm excited to see what color his hair will be. I'm excited to watch Ethan's face light up upon meeting his little brother for the first time. I'm excited to feed the little guy and love the little guy and bring the little guy home. All those things are very, very true. But there's another side to this coin, as there often is....

I'm terrified. Not just a little apprehensive. Literally terrified. I'm afraid that it'll be too much. I'm afraid I won't handle things right with Ethan and I'll make him feel like second best when that'll never be the case. I'm afraid I'll become too impatient with Ethan in my sleep deprived state. I'm so afraid the baby won't sleep. That he'll wake every hour and fifteen minutes like Ethan did. I'm afraid that I'll lose my mind!

These have to be rational fears. They have to be. What second-time mom doesn't worry about these things? And I'll tell you that while I was so ready and anxious for Ethan to just come out already, I feel like this pregnancy has flown by and I'm not ready mentally to have him. I could use a few more months. I have less than 6 weeks! I know all will work out, but I can't see it. I just can't see it yet. And I won't till he's here.

Add to that last night. I check on Ethan before I go to bed every night. I always have and probably always will as long as he's under my roof. And as I sat there on his bed watching him sleep, I cried. I cried because I know that in a short few weeks, our lives are going to change. And that change is going to be so hard on him. He's my baby. He'll always be my baby, but right now, he IS my baby. My only baby. And I can devote my time to him. How will he feel when I have to split that time? How will I feel? I want to keep Ethan little, but I've been told time and time again....and also by my best friend that just had a baby Wednesday and has a 3 year old, that overnight, he'll become a big boy. A regular kid. How can my little Ethan become a kid overnight? I will miss him so much. The he that he is now. I know it's all normal and everything will work out, but it's tough right now. Just a little tough!

11 comments:

  1. Blame it on my hormones but this post made my eyes all teary. Sniff, sniff. As excited as I am to meet our baby I'm afraid as well but I don't have a little man in my life already… I can't imagine how your feeling so I'll just send you lots of love (can you feel it?).

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  2. I totally understand what you are saying. There was a time when we were first married and we had a dog. We brought in a second one and I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to share the love, felt like I was hurting my first dog. So when I was having my second child I worried just like you. I remember my father telling me it just happens, it all comes naturally and not to worry. He was right. It just happens, life moves forward and you never look back with regret. I am happy to say I can even love more than one dog now too!

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  3. You can and will do this and everything will be fine. It's not always easy and it's not always fun, but it's definitely worth it! Seeing the sibling relationship is heart-warming. It really is magical! Like I said, it can be a struggle. I struggle sometimes with meeting the demands of two children, a husband, a dog, and life in general. It can be a strain. In the end I feel fortunate and blessed to have the life I have - even if sometimes I want to "check out of it" and get a break. Good luck. I appreciate you keeping it real!

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  4. Ok, your post made my cry! I HATE this "growing up" business, that I'm sure you are and will go through more with Ethan very soon! I'm SICK of it! I want my babies to be babies forever! :(
    You will do GREAT momma! I was SCARED too death with my 2nd one ,that I wouldn't be able to love him as much as I love the first one! But once I saw that little face and heard that sweet cry - everything was right in the world!

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  5. The transition is always tough, but somehow it just seems to happen and things do work out. I'm excited that it's so close now!

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  6. I know that I would feel the same as you do right now, because I have had those thoughts when I was thinking of another baby. I wondered how I could even love another child, like I love Bree. Like I figure it's impossible to do such a thing. I even asked my Mom once...about how the changes happen...and she said, they just do. So I guess there's really nothing to be afraid of...

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  7. I totally get this because when I had Avery overnight {at least it seemed that way!} Maggie was no longer a baby but a big girl and such a help to me at that. It's amazing how new roles can so seamlessly find their way into your new life with the new little person- it's scary but it will so work out and just right for your little family.

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  8. I think those fears sound rational. I'd be worried about a lot of that too...

    My friend must be carrying small too, she is 19 weeks and I swear you can't even tell she's pregnant. She just looks a little chubby-but the baby is alive and kicking her, even though it doesn't look like it is big enough to! Crazy!

    *hugs*

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  9. the changes are going to be tough but also so worth it. :)

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  10. I went through ALL those same emotions!!! The last months of my pregnancy were bittersweet. I couldn't wait to meet my son, but it also meant that my special time with Gia was coming to an end. I had SO many fears about how another child would make her feel. That she would go from being mommy's sidekick to a forgotten child. Well, not quite that drastic, because I knew I would never ever forget about spending time with her. But I worried so much about her feelings and if I would continue to have the same patience with her that I had before the second came along. The answer is definitely no, but I think that's ok. I think it's normal. It's harder when you have to split yourself between two children when they both want/need you at the same time. But I read something that was really useful to me. It said to always go to the older sibling first (when crying etc) because they'll remember it, the baby won't. In certain circumstances that's not possible, but still, it helped me to remember that. Also, if you don't have one yet, get some sort of baby carrier so you can wear the baby while doing things with Ethan. My Maya sling was a LIFESAVER!!! But, there were still days that I was holding him in one arm as he nursed and making Gia's lunch at the same time. Those were the hard moments, but they pass. The first few months will be an adjustment for everyone, but you'll find a new rhythm, and there will be more love in the house. I think that adjustment was harder on me than it was on Gia, because it was hard for me to let go and not be the only one to care for her like before. When she was sick or needed something in the middle of the night, I couldn't be the one to comfort her since the baby was sleeping with me. But, I learned to give Gia special attention at other times that makes me feel like we are still connected. There are so many wonderful things that come with a second child though, and the best, by far, is watching your two children interact and play together. It really brings tears to my eyes sometimes. Like the time they spontaneously said "I love you" to one another. Or when they try to make the other one feel better when crying. You'll figure it out. You'll handle it. You'll find a way, I have faith!

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