Not So Wordless Wednesday

First of all, I have to give a HUGE thanks to all the vets out there who risked their lives so I could not only have my life but also have my freedoms. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am forever grateful to you and the current members of the military who are out there risking their lives as I write.

Secondly, well, I don't really have any new pics. Here's one of my favorites from when Ethan was a baby, baby. When sleep deprivation was rampant...oh, wait, I got about 4 or 5 hours of VERY broken sleep last night. Sleep deprivation still lives; although, it only occurs in spurts and I'm convinced that these nights are meant to remind me to be ever-so-thankful that he USUALLY sleeps through the night! Teething, how I depise you.

Wow, his little 0 to 3 month onsie was too big! Amazing.

I spent the night last night snuggling with this little guy on my chest as he struggles to cut not one, but two teeth. He always gets stuffy when he teeths, and last night, he couldn't breathe through his little nose unless he was held at an angle. I am VERY exhausted, and I think my husband isn't very happy that I eventually made him sit up with Ethan, but man, how I do love the feel of my baby sleeping on my chest. Happy Wednesday, all!

Not So Random Tuesday

So, yeah, I could totally do a random tuesday, but I've had a few other things on my mind. And while this post is NOT about Stellan and his battle completely, it is because of him that I've been really focused on a few of these thoughts lately.

Last night when I put Ethan to bed, I held him longer, hugged him longer, kissed him more, and rubbed his head longer as he watched his globug slowly fade. I cherished the way he laid his little head against my side as we read a book. I absorbed the look of his sleepy eyes and paci-filled mouth as I carried him from the chair to his bed. I enjoyed those moments and truly realized how special they are and how lucky I am to have them.

I wanted, needed, had to be closer to him in those moments because I knew there was a mother out there that watched her baby flatline that morning. I knew there was a mother out there that realized how amazing life could be when that same baby beat the odds by having a miraculous outcome to a procedure that carried many risks. And I knew that there are mothers out there who lost their babies, whether it happened before birth, shortly after, or years later. And I knew that I AM lucky to have such a healthy, loving, adorable son that I get to tuck into bed every night and see smile every morning.

Stellan's story has brought so many of my thoughts to the surface. Thoughts that I usually push away. I am not and have not been a very religious person. However, since Ethan's birth, I suppose one could say I've been experiencing somewhat of a transformation of sorts. I have started hearing myself say tiny prayers asking for small things, such as patience and strength. I have looked at my son, remembered with clarity the day he was born, and wondered how it could be possible not to believe something such as a God created him. I realize that I was given the most precious gift in the world by being able to give life to my son. The amazement that my child lived, grew, and thrived in my body for 9 months still floors me.

I don't normally talk about things like this. I tend to just internalize such topics, but when I read that Stellan hit a HOME RUN with his procedure, I had to think, had to know, that all the prayers sent that little boy's way had some affect on the outcome. The power of prayer, whether it be our own belief in its power or an energetic force or the hand of God, must be a real thing. That little boy's heart STOPPED that morning. His procedure was a home run because the docs decided to make an even riskier move. Random? Maybe. Maybe not.

All I know is that I am working toward and struggling with a new chapter in my beliefs. I am searching for something I haven't quite found and can't quite grasp. I am doing what I can not to ignore what may very well be proof or a sign or whatever. I'm hoping to find a faith in something.

As I travel toward this new belief, I intend to cherish each and every moment that I have with my family. My husband and my son. I intend to remember always what an amazing thing it is to have my Ethan and to not take that for granted.

Again, not normally a discussion I like to have....or am very open about. It's likely I'll never write about these things again!

Stellan proves that you CAN WIN!

The little guy I've been following who lost his heartbeat this morning and had to be shocked back to life had a successful cardiac ablation and is now SVT free. THAT'S RIGHT. While they still have a few hurdles to jump over before Stellan is considered good to go, but his SVT is gone. His heart his breathing normally. His AV Node is not even slightly damaged, meaning no pacemaker! YEAH!!!!!


Today was touch and go for me as I followed MckMama's tweets and read every post. As I read that she watched her baby dieing before her very eyes. As I read that her husband missed his flight. As I thought about the anticipation, nervousness, and anxiety she had to experience on her own as she sat in the waiting room with her baby boy's blanket and the knowledge that she may never see her son alive again. My heart broke for her and broke for Stellan. I cannot BEGIN to imagine WHAT TODAY WAS LIKE FOR HER!

And now her son is SVT free. That little boy has fought harder and with more courage than most people do in their entire lives. Thank GOD!!!!!

Alright Stellan. WAY TO GO!

So I did say Happier Things, right?

In the spirit of support for MckMama and little Stellan, I've decided to give this Not Me! Monday thing a try.

I did not leave my baby for a 3-day conference on Wednesday. I also did not miss him like crazy while also enjoying the ability to sleep soundly through the night. Not me!

I did not listen carefully to what was being said around me by fellow co-workers and stash bits of information away that can and hopefully will propel myself into a better, more prestigious position within the next two years. Not me.

I did not watch in amazement as my son learned to take a temper tantrum to new heights while I was away. Not me.

I did not momentarily wish I was still in the hotel so I could have my own bed with all the room I could ever want. Not me. I LOVE that my husband seems to take up the majority of the bed.

I did not literally yell at the billing person from the hospital clinic because that office calls me constantly no matter when or how much I pay them. And also because they overcharge and send bills BEFORE something has even gone through my insurance company. Not me. I would NEVER yell at someone who is just doing their job because I'm understanding and realize that they are doing just that: their job. It's not there fault. And that is why I did not yell at them, right? Um....still feeling like I should apologize.

I did not cry this morning for a baby and his family that I only know through a blog. That would be silly wouldn't it? Not me.

I did not secretly hope that my husband shoots a dang deer early Saturday morning, so we could be done with all this "deer" stuff and I could go with my friend to take pictures of old barns while hubby stayed home with Ethan. Not me.

And, finally, I did not drop out of NaNoWriMo before I even began. Not me. I would never realize that I have WAY too much to do right now to even consider I'd have time to write a novel in month, right?

Wanna Play? Go see MckMama!

Please Send Thoughts Stellan's Way

I've been MIA...I was at a conference for work and couldn't pick up a wireless connection in my room. I only have a moment right now.

Today, little Stellan has to undergo an ablation on his heart. It's a very risky surgery for someone his age (1). Right now, they're trying to get him stable to be able to have the surgery. He's in SVT and has crashed HARD. They've already had to use the paddles on him once to get his heart going.

I know it's sad. I know people don't like to think about it. I don't like to think about it and it definitely dampens my day, but this might just be his last day. Send thoughts, prayers, whatever you do his way for him and his family that they will get him stable and get him in surgery and that all will go well.

I'll write about happier things this afternoon!

Digital Storytelling

I teach English Composition. This semester, we're doinga project in which students have to create a digital story. I've never done this, and tomorrow I have to go through the program they'll be using, so I thought it'd be smart to give it a try. Here's my VERY rough first Digital Story.

RTT--Already Losing It

It's random time again. Oh how I love me some random time, especially when I'm feeling that way....
Jump on over to Keely's blog and link yourself up. Everybody's doing it.

I've reached a new level of insanity. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I decided quite spontaneously that it was a good idea to sign up for NaNoWriMo. I asked another writer friend of mine if he'd heard of it. The conversation went something like this:

"You heard of NaNoWriMo?"
"Oh, yeah."
"You doing it?"
"Oh, no. I don't even have time to grade papers. Don't tell me you are."
"Yeah, I thought it'd be good motivation for me to get writing again."
"You're insane."

Now the above banter may lead you to believe my friend has no confidence in my ability to write a novel in a month, but I assure you, that's not necessarily the case (I like the wishy-washyness of that sentence). He just doesn't see how I could possibly achieve such a feat between teaching, grading, working, and mothering. I can see his point and am currently questioning my own sanity.

I have to go to a conference tomorrow. I'll be gone until Friday afternoon. I have never been away from Ethan for that amount of time. I once went on an overnight canoe trip, but I was only gone a total of 30 hours then. This time, I'll be gone most of Wednesday, all of Thursday, and most of Friday. I will likely spend some time fretting about whether my husband can handle the responsibilities of taking care of our son all on his own, even though I KNOW he can). I will definitely spend most of my time missing Ethan like crazy. But maybe between all the sessions and mingling, I can get some writing done.

I sometimes hate the fact that I've let so many people know I have a blog. It hinders my ability to say certain things. That annoys me.

We're starting Digital Storytelling in my classes this week (well, the person who will be teaching in my absence is). I'm very excited and think I might just create a digital story myself about my first year of motherhood. I was a much different person before. It's almost like I don't have enough to do.

I am lacking motivation. I don't want to do anything work-related these days and I know I need to just get over it.

I am contemplating joining a committee here at the college for our accreditation self-study. My role would be to write all the sections of the self-study after each group provides me with the info. Again, I am seriously insane and why would I do this to myself? Well, because of exposure, people, and I'm nothing if not ambitious. It's a terrible burden.

Back to pretending to be a busy, little worker. Random up peeps...and in the meantime enjoy a Frog of the Cutest Proportions.