I am going through a period of change. I am struggling to find who I am and accept who I was. I still question so much about what I should be doing. Where I should be going. Who I want to be. I still ache for things I cannot change. And I am still so very driven by this need, this compulsion, to bring change in the world. It's overwhelming at times. I can't find the path of how to get there. I just know I am supposed to do something. And so I search my soul. I feel every feeling that comes within me because I'm afraid that if I push it away or under or out, it will be the one I was supposed to feel.
I'm lost. And so when I have dreams such as this, they follow me. They guide me. They try to tell me something. I just keep listening. Nothing in all the world--no experience, no joy, no pain--has ever changed me in the way the loss of my brother continues to.
I walked upon the sandy beach, feeling the granularity of its composition molding to each step I took. The abrasion of it between my toes worked its way through the tenseness of my body and ache of my soul and into my wandering mind. I pretended I could feel you there. I pretended you were with me as I listened to the exemplified crest and fall of the waves in the darkness. I wondered why those waves always sounded so much louder after the sun’s descent beyond the horizon. Was it the stillness of the world that allowed me to be more present in the moment? The solitude that gave me the ability to hear and feel and move with more intent and more cognizance?
I approached the outcropping of rocks along the cliff. I sat just in front of it with full view of the night sky and I looked up. I looked for you. I looked for me. I looked for a link between the past and present, and I searched for a future I couldn’t see. The stars taunted with effervescent light. I sought out the famous constellations, searching for one, or many, that would make me feel closer to you.
I lay upon my back and felt the sand shift under my slight weight. Closing my eyes, I breathed in deeply and allowed that same breath to release itself from my earthly body. I chose to feel. To search. To allow the world and the universe with all its infinite secrets to wash over my still form as I laid upon that beach, such a tiny piece of such an enormous landscape. I allowed the pain of your loss to seep into my skin, my blood, my bones. The uniquely human experience fell over me as the tears collected in the corner of my saddened eyes. I feel. I live. I love. I miss. I hate. I anger. I cry. I mourn.
As night grew into morning, I began to feel the calmness of my heart. The steady beat of a life still yearning to live. Opening my eyes, I stared into the vastness above me, and I felt peace surround me. I felt the crescendo of the waves, the vibration of the Earth, the pulse of the night sky enter me, bringing me to a place of love and acceptance. The spirituality of it became overwhelming, yet I welcomed it. I surrendered to it. And in the moment of rare and simple and exquisite peace, I felt you. I felt your heart and your love and your memory deep within me and I remained open to you. And then I woke up.