They say every pregnancy is different, and while I may be just nearly 3 months into mine, I can tell you the differences are vast.
With Ethan, I suffered from migraines for the first 3 months of my pregnancy. It killed just about any excitement I was trying to muster up. Tylenol is like a placebo for me, and since it was all I could take, I was beyond miserable. It tainted my experience for sure.
With this pregnancy, I'm exhausted. I don't mean I've been chasing after a preschooler and working exhausted. I mean physically and mentally drained beyond a level I've ever experienced. Sometimes its all I can do to keep my eyes open. Seriously. It's a problem. After all, I do still have a job and naps aren't really accepted.
I'm bigger. I tried to hide this thing from my work people, but they were apparently all whispering behind my back about my "stomach" growth. It's a pouche. I big one. I can't fit into my clothes, yet I'm too small for my maternity clothes. Pain in the ass.
Probably the most significant difference, however, is my attitude. When I found out I was pregnant with Ethan, I felt lost. I was beside myself. I had always said that I was too selfish for children. And while we had talked about trying for a child, I wasn't all the way in it. I didn't feel ready. And since it wasn't planned, I realized quickly how much I was "giving up" for the baby. All of a sudden, I couldn't smoke. I couldn't drink. I couldn't eat or drink whatever I wanted. I had to take a pill everyday. My body had to change. And I was so incredibly jealous of my husband because he didn't have to do any of those things. It seemed so unfair.
And then there were the headaches that expounded my anger. I wanted it to be over. I wanted the baby to come out so that I could resume my life. Of course, I knew there would be changes but I had no idea how many. I could not have imagined how incredibly different my life would be after Ethan was born.
I feel bad for how selfish I felt through my first pregnancy. I feel bad because I feel like Ethan got the raw end of the deal. I was not happy when I was pregnant with him. I was angry and bitter and scared and bitchy. Don't get me wrong. I was also excited and anxious and all of those other feelings. I spent hours walking through baby stores and I never went to the grocery store without stopping in the baby aisle. I researched everything about safety and feeding and caring for a baby. I wanted to breastfeed and looked forward to it. I took childbirth classes and prenatal yoga. I was just so conflicted. Ecstatic one moment and angry the next. It was completely different than now.
With this one, I am excited. I am smiling. I am enjoying my pregnancy. I look at my belly and I can't wait to get past the awkward "is she pregnant or just gaining weight" phase. I am excited for May. I don't feel like I've lost anything. I don't feel like I was cheated. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing my life. I'm ready to prepare. I'm ready to know what it is so I can shop for it. I'm ready to set up the baby's room. Let's get on with it already!
I'm excited to see Ethan's reaction the first time he sees his little brother or sister. I'm excited to know if he'll have a brother or a sister. I love thinking about the baby growing inside me, and I'm not the least bit upset when I can't have a drink. I'm okay with it. My mindset is just different this time around. I mean, sure, we weren't planning on getting pregnant in August, but when I found out we were, I didn't cry. I wasn't scared. I was happy.
I'm sure there will be other differences along the way, but for today, that's all I've got.