Monday, December 3, 2012

Yes, I knew, but still....

I knew that being a parent was going to be one of the most challenging things I ever deigned to undertake. I knew this. I knew that I was coming to the table with few, if any, parenting skills that could be applied to the type of parent I wanted to be. I knew this. I also had a decent idea of the type of parent I DID want to be:
  • Authoritative rather than authoritarian or neglectful. I wanted to set limits while also listening to my child. I wanted to be a steady person that made sure my children understood the boundaries but also knew I'd love them no matter what.
  • A non-spanker. I grew up in a home with entirely too much spanking and not enough understanding or guiding. I grew up learning the yelling and hitting are the means to the end regardless of the action (I, fortunately, was not hit often. Very rarely, in fact. I was a good kid)
  • A parent opposed to a friend.
  • Loving. Unconditionally loving. 
These are the characteristics I wanted and hoped to see in my self. And then there was Ethan.

I am not necessarily a God-fearing woman, meaning I very well believe in God, but I don't go to church or speak of it often. I went through a time where I did questions His existence and I do still ponder questions. I don't buy into the addage, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." Because if that were the case, then I would be left to conclude that God wants me to crack. He wants me to lose my mind and become the person I never want to be. He wants me to bring to my child the same types of things that were brought to me. I can't believe that would be the case.

I love that blond-haired, blue-eyed ball of energy that I call so affectionately "bug." He's my first baby. He's my pride and joy. He's my love. But I find myself at a complete loss right now. I find myself wishing the weekend would end so he can go to school and I can go to work. I find myself begging God to make that child listen. To PLEASE make him stop! I cannot describe how much I'm warring inside. I cannot begin to explain the depths of my guilt. And the fear that it will never get better and that I will come to a point where I can't go back. Where I can't take back words I've said. I actually told him that I wanted to trade him in. Now I played it off as a joke, but I don't think I was joking at the time.

I'm at a loss. I'm SO lost.

He argues constantly. He defies me incessantly. He screams and tantrums and yells at us. He refuses the most basic chores. He whines, and whines, and whines. He doesn't believe anything we say. And he thrives when we argue. He sees us not getting a long and he uses it to his advantage. It's ruining my relationship with him and it's ruining my marriage. I'm at a loss.

My only saving Grace is that we begin behavioral therapy this week. And we will continue until we see progress. Ethan is so bright. He scored in the 99th percentile in both fluid and quantitative reasoning. He's very logical. He's very active. He's too smart for his own good. And parenting him is NOT like parenting most kids. I've been told this. I believe this. Because I know I'm a good parent. And I know I work so hard to be the kind of parent I mentioned. But I can see it slipping away. I can feel it. And I'm praying with all the faith I do have in me that this therapy will help us get on the same page and become the united front we need and help Ethan learn how to channel his energies in more productive ways. Any prayers or thoughts would be so greatly appreciated. Because right now, I can see why people run away from their lives.

I'm just fortunate that I love my children enough to take the pain and search for ways to remedy the problem. Because above all else....above all this, my two boys are my world and each night when I look in on them, I rub their heads and give them a soft kiss and truly do realize how lucky I am.


  1. I am so sorry. I think the behavior therapy will help all of you tremendously. It might be overnight, in fact I doubt it will be. It will probably take time. But eventually I think you will get to a better place. You have to. You do not sound like you are in a good place right now. You need help and Ethan needs help. Good luck!!!

  2. I will be keeping you in my prayers, praying that this behavioral therapy will be just the gift you have been waiting/asking for.