I have a love/hate relationship with Carrie Underwood's song Blown Away. Every time I hear it, I turn it up and sing REALLY loud. Yet it makes me sad.
It brings sad memories to the surface. It makes me think about the past. My childhood. And that's not something I've been spending a lot of time on since having Ethan. I haven't even contacted the Victim Center to restart my counseling sessions. It's too exhausting at a time when I'm already too exhausted.
So if it reminds me of things I rather leave alone right now, why listen?
Because I can't help it. I like the justice of it. I like the thought of that man being blown away. I like the idea that he got what he deserved and that it was probably painful. Yes, I said painful. Because the way I see it, if you're going to hurt a child, whether physically or sexually, then you deserve to feel pain in your last moments. You should not go easily. And I can see him flying around with debris crashing into him while he's helpless to do anything but know he's going to die.
Does that make me an awful person? Maybe. Maybe not. I would never be the one to inflict the pain, but if God saw fit to allow it, I wouldn't feel sympathy for someone willing to hurt a child. And so, I like the justice of the song.
Which means I'll continue to blast it whenever it comes on. And I'll continue to feel a little glimmer of hope that bad things can happen to bad people. And I will refuse to feel bad for it.