So, some of you may have noticed that my blog has been inaccessible the past two days. There's good reason for that. I have done some cleaning up.
For those that have been around for a while, you know that I've been nothing if not brutally honest about my family and the issues that I've dealt with. There are advantages and disadvantages to such honesty.
The biggest advantage is the ability to finally get those things off one's chest. I have, at times, used this blog as an therapeutic outlet to help me process, analyze and put to rest issues I've dealt with my entire life. I've used this place, which I consider my own, as a place to learn and develop and grow into an acceptance I needed. It has helped me so much to be able to write these things down and find support and understanding from those that took the time to read such posts. I can't express my gratitude for that support.
However, there is a huge disadvantage to posting about things that involve others. While this blog has been open to the public, I did not tell family members of its existence. I don't post about my blog on facebook. I don't share that I have one with those close to me. I don't do that because I know there are things there that would hurt their feelings. But, as we all know, the internet is public domain and anyone can stumble upon anything on the internet, unless it's kept private. And so it goes....my sister stumbled upon my blog while searching for the meaning of her daughter's name. I had posted about Lillyan's birth, so naturally, the post popped up in a search.
People being what they are, she read other posts and stumbled upon one that probably wasn't so favorable for her. I chose not to apologize for my honesty on this blog because these posts are about me and my growth. Not about her or Mom or anyone else in my family. They are my thoughts and my perceptions. It was never my intent to outright hurt any of them, and for that, I find the situation unfortunate. I wish she hadn't found it.
But I am not naive either. I have always been aware of the risk involved. I suppose you could say that my well-being and my ability to heal meant more to me than sparing their feelings. I am 33 years old, and I am a mother. I fear so often that I will not be a good mother. I fear what I have the potential to be. And the only way I know to avoid that is to face it head on. And I will apologize for that.
And so, in good faith toward my family I have removed all posts prior to October 2011 and placed them in a book to be printed and put on my shelf. I have not written much about my family in the past year because I haven't needed to. For the most part, I've moved on from those things. And while I hope that they will forgive, I'm choosing not to hold my breath. I would likely pass out first!