Some Random Tidbits

The holidays are upon us, which means things will only get busier for me. Today is my last day in the office. Then it's clean, shop, and dissertate. Should life as we know it still exist after this Friday, we will be on our way to my mother-in-law's Sunday morning.

Clint and I have reached a compromise over the whole "holiday" thing. Or rather I told him what we're going to do and when he scoffed, I said, "Compromise. You have to compromise with me." I think he decided it was easier to throw in the towel.

So Saturday evening, we will drink some hot cocoa and watch Polar Express. Ethan and I will cook up a batch of Polar Express Cocoa, adding a little something more special to the event. Then we'll tuck Ethan into to bed, wait the two hours it will undoubtedly take for him to finally go to sleep and bring out Santa's gifts. Sunday morning, we'll watch the kids play with their loot and eat some breakfast. Then we'll pack up the car and head north.

I think this is a good compromise. It means I don't have to lug all the Santa stuff with us. I know some people would prefer to be present during the whole "Santa" part, but that's just the way it's going to be.

We started a new approach with Ethan in terms of behavior. It's a reward system. When his therapist was talking to me about it, she said, "so we'll focus more on rewards than consequences," to which Ethan replied, "So that means you cannot take my LeapPad away, Mom." Smarty pants! I was quick to inform him he was correct, but that instead of having free reign of the Leap, he'd have to earn the ability to play it for one hour. We have a really good day with the system on Saturday. Not so much on Sunday. But it's going to take time. And during that time, there will be frustration and anger and all sorts of second-guessing. I think the most important thing is that we choose a path and stick with it long enough to see results.

I believe Dylan is teething. He's 7 months and has no teeth, so it's quite possible. He has the stringiest drool ever, and he kept me up way more than normal last night. I hope it happens quickly. Although, then again I don't. Something about having no teeth keeps them "babyish" longer. That gummy grin. I love it, and I'm not quite ready for it to go away!

We took the boys to the park yesterday. Dylan got to swing for the first time, and I did NOT have a camera. It's the first time I've heard an actual laugh out of him. He gives mini-laughs, but getting the boy to give an all-out laugh isn't easy!

It's amazing to see how big Dylan is. How much he's trying to do. Each day is a new day. He's into everything, and I find myself constantly looking around for the things that might choke him. On Saturday, he managed to swallow something that caused him to choke and gag. Fear overtook me and I think I became a little frantic. He was fine, and I have no idea what it was. But I've become rather paranoid about the house now.

Alright. So I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season, whatever your beliefs.

When Bad Things Happen: Newtown, CT

My heart hurts right now. It hurts so very bad for those babies and their parents in Connecticut. I want to know why someone would be so willing to walk into a kindergarten classroom and begin shooting. Taking the lives of innocent children. I think of Ethan, as he is closest in age group. I think of how terrified I would be if I didn't know if he was okay. If all I knew was that he might be.

I think of how terrifying it must have been for those poor babies in the moments before their death. I think of how crushing it would be to rush to the school with the hopes that your baby was spared only to learn he wasn't. I think of the relief and guilt that floods those parents that found their children alive, if not well. Relief that tonight they get to hold their babies and tell them how much they love them. Guilt that they see other parents who will never have those moments again.

And I think of how easy it is for us to take our children for granted. How precious they are to us. How much we love them. I think about how angry I get with Ethan and how quickly I'm ready to leave his room at bedtime. And how selfish it seems to want my own time.

I think about how nice it is to hold them close and how much I want to do that now. And how much I need to remind myself even in the most trying of times that I get to hold my babies. I get to love my babies. I get to feel their sticky fingers wrapped around me. I get to hear their laughs and see their tears and share their excitements. I get to love my children and feel them.

And I will a thousand defiances from my oldest and a dozen nightly wake ups from my youngest a million over just to be lucky enough to have them in my life.

My heart bleeds for those poor parents in Newtown, CT who don't.

Love/Hate Relationship.

I have a love/hate relationship with Carrie Underwood's song Blown Away. Every time I hear it, I turn it up and sing REALLY loud. Yet it makes me sad.

Blown Away

It brings sad memories to the surface. It makes me think about the past. My childhood. And that's not something I've been spending a lot of time on since having Ethan. I haven't even contacted the Victim Center to restart my counseling sessions. It's too exhausting at a time when I'm already too exhausted.

So if it reminds me of things I rather leave alone right now, why listen?

Because I can't help it. I like the justice of it. I like the thought of that man being blown away. I like the idea that he got what he deserved and that it was probably painful. Yes, I said painful. Because the way I see it, if you're going to hurt a child, whether physically or sexually, then you deserve to feel pain in your last moments. You should not go easily. And I can see him flying around with debris crashing into him while he's helpless to do anything but know he's going to die.

Does that make me an awful person? Maybe. Maybe not. I would never be the one to inflict the pain, but if God saw fit to allow it, I wouldn't feel sympathy for someone willing to hurt a child. And so, I like the justice of the song.

Which means I'll continue to blast it whenever it comes on. And I'll continue to feel a little glimmer of hope that bad things can happen to bad people. And I will refuse to feel bad for it.

Seeing Things Differently....a few random pieces

Life in the Craft household changes on a daily basis. Here are a few things we have going on:

• Dylan moves. I mean, that child can move across the room at lightening speed. So fast, in fact, that he managed to get into his brother's mess of glitter and glue before I knew it, thus effectively eating some glue and is sure to have some sparkly poo! 
• Ethan is super excited for his Pajama Party at Preschool Friday night. Yep. We get to drop both kids off for FOUR hours. I was hoping to catch a movie, but unfortunately, Clint's work party is that night, so I guess I'll be doing that instead. *sigh*
• I need a Eureka Boss. Something that does hardwood and carpet. Little fingers and mouths abound. 
• Finals is this week. I'll be ready to see the semester end. 
• I haven't gotten anywhere on my dissertation. What was I thinking?
• My tree looks full, but really it's just lot of Ethan's gift wrapping obsession. He's been wrapping drawings and pencils. I think I'll let him open them before we head up for Christmas! 

I know there's more. Tons more. I just don't know what it is. Oh, Dylan now eats sweet potatoes, bananas, apples, squash, steel cut oats....I think that's all. He LOVES to eat. I still can't believe he's 7 months. In a month, he'll be able to eat small chunks of food.

And now for a couple shots. The first is our home-made Christmas picture. It was hard to get everyone seated and ready. Some people tell me I should cut Dylan's hair. I refuse....adamantly until he's at least one. He'll never have that crazy hair again and I just can't do it. 

 This is the normal state of my living room. For real. I can clean it up and they can destroy it in half the time! See the presents? Mostly drawings and pencils!

A child's impact...But first a milestone

First, Dylan put himself in a sitting position last night. All by himself! I was amazed. He turns 7 months on Friday, which seems way too hard to believe. I really need to write his 6 month letter. I'm behind. He went to the doctor for a weight check this morning. He's in the bottom 1/3 at 13 lbs 12oz. But, he's proportionate in weight and length and did gain, so she isn't worried. :)

And on to the real post....

We all begin as children. I don't think any one would disagree with that statement. We all begin with parents that either love us or don't love us. That path that begins after our birth is different for us all. Whether we have parents or not, because some children do not, we have people in our lives that guide us for better or for worse. We learn through those "guides" even if they don't realize their impact on us.

And all of those things that we "learn" help shape us into who we will become as adults. It doesn't mean we'll always try to emulate our "guides;" although some of us will. It means that our experiences and our "lessons" will always be a part of our memories and play a role in how we view our world. For some us, we work very hard to break cycles that should've never been. For others, we try very hard to instill the same values that our parents instilled in us.

But the fact remains that we never really knew what it meant to be a parent before we became one. And so that's where this begins. When I consider the changes that occurred in me upon the birth of my children, I come up with this:

Ethan made me a better person, but Dylan made me a better parent.

Am I shortchanging my first? No. I couldn't be a good or bad parent before Ethan was born. I could be a good person. I could be a good pregnant person, but I could not be better at something I wasn't. Before Ethan, I would tell people I was too selfish to have children. And I believed that. And at the time it was true. But then I had that child. And it no longer was true.

Ethan taught me how to be selfless. He taught me without doing anything at all other than being born to put someone else's needs before my own. He taught me to learn and practice patience. He taught me to think things through rather than act impulsively. He taught me how to love unconditionally. And he taught me that 20 sleepless nights could be erased with one big smile, one vivacious laugh, one new word, one first step, one hug, one kiss, one Mamma. He taught me how to be a better person.

Dylan. He taught me how to be a better parent. He taught me how to be more confident in my abilities as a parent. He taught me how to open my heart to more love. He continues to teach me how to share my time with them both and how to guide them down a path that will allow them to become better parents. He's made me more observant. He's given me so much and continues to give me so much as they both grow.

Both of my boys have changed my world. And both of them have no idea how special, meaningful and needed it was. I feel so blessed to be a part of their lives. And I feel blessed that I get to be their "guide."

Remember the other child....well, he's growing.

So I've been pretty focused on getting Ethan's issues under control before he breaks us that I haven't bothered to mention my youngest in a while. What a horrible thing NOT to mention that little ray of sunshine!

Dylan is now 7 months old. It doesn't seem like he should be SEVEN months old. Around 6 months, he started getting up a little bit on all fours. He's alternate between crawling and army crawling. Mostly, he stays on his belly, but he moves his legs opposite his arms, so every now and then, he picks his body off the floor and legitimately crawls. I think the other way is just faster for him.

He gives hugs and kisses. By that, I mean that when I pick him up, he grabs each side of my face, opens his mouth wide and comes in for the kill. He then moves on to whatever it was he was looking at or trying to reach. It's the most adorable thing, even if I do feel like I've been sufficiently drenched in saliva.

We still have no teeth. I can't tell if he's teething.

He generally wakes once a night these days....since I got a space heater for his room. :) Although, last night he woke up twice. Ugh.

Dylan LOVES his brother and watches with rapt attention. When he can, he crawls over to him and pulls on his hair, ears, face, whatever he can get his hands on.

So far, Dylan has had steel cut oats, bananas, butternut squash, apples, and avocados. He loves most of it these days and looks forward to eating. During the day. He doesn't do so well at night. Last month, I broke down and let him have formula. He now gets one bottle of formula a day. I continue to pump once a day at work, which isn't terrible. I look forward to the day when I don't pump any times, but I can't seem to let go completely. Motherhood....it's a strange thing.

Dylan is such a happy baby. He couldn't be a sweeter little guy. He smiles all the time, plays well on his own when I need him to, and sleeps great. He's pretty amazing. And while I feel like time should just slow down a bit, I am also so happy that I get to be a part of his growth and his life. I look forward to the day when he and his brother can really start playing together!

I remember when he was this tiny. My little 5 lb. 10 oz. bundle of joy. 

 To the days when his paci practically covered his entire face.

 To keeping him in this little napper beside my bed at 15 weeks and beyond. He was there until he was nearly five months old.

To 4 months when he became so interested in the blanket UNDER him. That blanket, BTW, was given to me by Sheila. Isn't it awesome!

To sitting up for long stretches

 

And showing off the shining personality of his!

To 7 months. Where he has begun pulling up on things and is so close to putting himself in a sitting position all by himself. Cruising isn't going to be far behind!

To everything wonderful Dylan does. Every smiles, every laugh, every snuggle, every milestone. This kid brings so much joy into our lives and I feel so blessed to have him!

Yes, I knew, but still....

I knew that being a parent was going to be one of the most challenging things I ever deigned to undertake. I knew this. I knew that I was coming to the table with few, if any, parenting skills that could be applied to the type of parent I wanted to be. I knew this. I also had a decent idea of the type of parent I DID want to be:

• Authoritative rather than authoritarian or neglectful. I wanted to set limits while also listening to my child. I wanted to be a steady person that made sure my children understood the boundaries but also knew I'd love them no matter what.
• A non-spanker. I grew up in a home with entirely too much spanking and not enough understanding or guiding. I grew up learning the yelling and hitting are the means to the end regardless of the action (I, fortunately, was not hit often. Very rarely, in fact. I was a good kid)
• A parent opposed to a friend.
• Loving. Unconditionally loving. 

These are the characteristics I wanted and hoped to see in my self. And then there was Ethan.

I am not necessarily a God-fearing woman, meaning I very well believe in God, but I don't go to church or speak of it often. I went through a time where I did questions His existence and I do still ponder questions. I don't buy into the addage, "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." Because if that were the case, then I would be left to conclude that God wants me to crack. He wants me to lose my mind and become the person I never want to be. He wants me to bring to my child the same types of things that were brought to me. I can't believe that would be the case.

I love that blond-haired, blue-eyed ball of energy that I call so affectionately "bug." He's my first baby. He's my pride and joy. He's my love. But I find myself at a complete loss right now. I find myself wishing the weekend would end so he can go to school and I can go to work. I find myself begging God to make that child listen. To PLEASE make him stop! I cannot describe how much I'm warring inside. I cannot begin to explain the depths of my guilt. And the fear that it will never get better and that I will come to a point where I can't go back. Where I can't take back words I've said. I actually told him that I wanted to trade him in. Now I played it off as a joke, but I don't think I was joking at the time.

I'm at a loss. I'm SO lost.

He argues constantly. He defies me incessantly. He screams and tantrums and yells at us. He refuses the most basic chores. He whines, and whines, and whines. He doesn't believe anything we say. And he thrives when we argue. He sees us not getting a long and he uses it to his advantage. It's ruining my relationship with him and it's ruining my marriage. I'm at a loss.

My only saving Grace is that we begin behavioral therapy this week. And we will continue until we see progress. Ethan is so bright. He scored in the 99th percentile in both fluid and quantitative reasoning. He's very logical. He's very active. He's too smart for his own good. And parenting him is NOT like parenting most kids. I've been told this. I believe this. Because I know I'm a good parent. And I know I work so hard to be the kind of parent I mentioned. But I can see it slipping away. I can feel it. And I'm praying with all the faith I do have in me that this therapy will help us get on the same page and become the united front we need and help Ethan learn how to channel his energies in more productive ways. Any prayers or thoughts would be so greatly appreciated. Because right now, I can see why people run away from their lives.

I'm just fortunate that I love my children enough to take the pain and search for ways to remedy the problem. Because above all else....above all this, my two boys are my world and each night when I look in on them, I rub their heads and give them a soft kiss and truly do realize how lucky I am.