Thursday, January 1, 2015

Stuck

I have so much to say, but I don't want to say it. I push off writing down the memories of the night I found out. The call I never thought about never wanting to get because I never thought I'd get it.

I'm not ready yet. To tell the story. To hash it out. But inside, it's killing me. Inside, I feel so lonely and angry and hurt and desperate. Desperate to change things I can't change. Desperate for anything else to be reality other than what is reality. I mourn every single day. Every hour. I'm trying so hard to stay positive. To hang on to the good things. To focus on what I have right here in front of me. But I'm struggling to motivate. I don't want to do anything. And I know if I allowed it, I'd crawl into bed and never climb out. But I don't allow it. Somehow I wake up and get up and move forward with my day. One step at a time.

I can't tell it all just yet. But I feel it wanting to escape. I feel the story pressing against my insides begging for release. But I just can't because I can't let it go. I can't face it. I can't handle it.

I DON'T want to do this. I hate it with everything I've got. I hate it, HATE IT, HATE IT!

And I know I can't be all mopey all the time, but I also can't be happy. I want to move into 2015 with hope and happiness. Instead, I just want to stay in 2014. I want to go backwards. I want my baby brother back.

I can't move. Sometimes I can't breath. Sometimes I feel so weak I'm afraid I'll fall. I have never felt such relentless pain in all my life. I've never felt it in every part of me and deep into my bones. It steals my breath and pains my soul.

I want it to get better, but it doesn't. Not yet. I have good days and bad days, but it's always there. Constantly there. I feel like I'm falling apart and everyone is ready for me to be over it, so I'm silent. I say nothing even though I know a piece of me left with him. I feel so alone.

I want to scream and hit and throw things. I feel the anger breeding deep within me, boiling up and ready to spill out of me. I think about hitting something hard. Hitting the wall. Just to release the anger. I want to feel it. But I don't. I don't because I don't want people to think I've lost my mind. Sometimes I want to go outside and scream as loud as I can. But I don't. For the same reason.

I feel locked in emotions. Emotions from all sides.

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry Katie. There are no words. Just know that you are on my heart as you go through this. ♡

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  2. I cannot imagine how you must feel, but I do know that whatever you feel is okay. No one can tell you haw to grieve or how long it should last. You are the only one who knows. Grieving is a very personal, individual thing. I think expressing your inner turmoil and struggle here in this format will help. You might not feel comfortable vocalizing how you are feeling internally, but at least via your written words you can express what you otherwise don't feel comfortable vocalizing. It's almost like a passive release. Others can see and now know what you might not be saying. A lot of times, I write what I am feeling because talking about it is too hard and I don't feel like I will be able to adequately or accurately communicate my feelings verbally.

    In time, hopefully some of the pain will lessen and the emotions won't be as intense and you won't feel as raw.

    Thinking of you and hoping that you are able to find some comfort and peace soon.

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  3. Don't let the opinions of others get to you. Everyone grieves in their own time and yes it will always be present but it will get easier with time. I have not experienced what you are going though but I do follow hundreds of woman who are living with unbearable loss and as life moves forward their joy beings to come back, their want for living continues. I'm not saying that it happens overnight. Some are stuck for many years because we all mourn in our own time. Those who don't understand may never understand and talking about him is important for you right now. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry for your pain and will continue to hold you close in my thoughts.

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