Monday, October 6, 2014

Why My Husband Is Not My First Priority

I've seen a lot of posts lately about making your husband your first priority and how not doing so is detrimental to your marriage and the family unit as a whole. And quite honestly, I just have to vent.

I'll start with...Are your KIDDING me!

I get it. God said something about something that meant women are subservient to men and blah, blah, blah. Or, you could go with the argument that men need to feel needed and wanted and loved after the birth of a child. Or even the other argument I've heard. Kids will leave the nest.

In face, here's a little something I picked up on a quick search about the topic:

Ask Him for Input!

So, ask him if there is anything special that would really bless him. Some men have a hard time thinking of these things on the spot (or working up the courage to say them!), so I’ve included a list of ideas to get the conversation going. Show it to him and ask if any apply.
  • Making (or not making?) certain meals.
  • Giving him “downtime” for a few minutes when he gets home.
  • Packing a lunch for him the night before.
  • Making an effort to keep a particular part of the house clean (kitchen? bedroom?).
  • Taking part in his favorite hobby.
  • Taking a nap/rest when the kiddos are napping so that you’re not “too tired” in the evening. ;-)
  • Wearing (or not wearing?) certain clothes. (My hubby loves my yoga pants, which are a comfy alternative to sweatpants, ladies!!)
  • Planning fun family activities.
  • Allowing for more family “downtime”.
This is from A Biblical Marriage. There's not a single spot in that article that says anything about what a HUSBAND can do for a WIFE. It's all about making hubby happy. Seriously, I'm expected to make his lunch for him the night before because I don't have enough to do making ETHAN's lunch? I understand this women is obviously a stay-at-home mom and that's cool. I don't care. But I've read other articles that make it pretty clear women, regardless of working or no, should do make husbands their first priority. 

But here's what I want to know. Why do these articles lead your to believe that if you don't make him the priority, he's going to go hump the next girl he sees? It seems ridiculous to me. 

My kids are my priority. They have to be. They need me. And I can screw them up. It's all I can do to keep up with work and kids and meet all of those crazy expectations. I feel like this is just one more area where someone can point at me and say, "Oh no! You're screwing up. You're husband's gonna leave you if you don't get it together!" 

I've been married for 12 years. I don't have a perfect marriage. And life with little people is way more difficult than I ever anticipated. I'm exhausted 24/7. I barely make time for myself. I tell my husband daily that I love him. I give him hugs. I thank him for helping with the kids...sometimes. And I expect that same treatment. I expect him to reciprocate. But I can't make extra time to fit in something "nice" to do for him on a regular basis just to make sure his precious ego is fed sufficiently enough that he won't leave me because my world is centered around the two children we created together and hope to raise into responsible adults. 

It's not that I think women should just forget their husbands exist or show them no attention, but in a world where every parenting decision we make is equally criticized by some other mom and there are a million and ten ways we can make ourselves feel like we aren't measuring up, I think it's unfair to put undo pressure on an already pressurized situation. I'm in survival mode. But you can bet your ass that once survival mode begins to move into a more stable environment, I will be more than ready to hang out a little more with the husband and talk about....normal things. 


  1. I absolutely agree that appreciation goes both ways--no matter what your lifestyle looks like. Each one (work at home, stay at home, both parents work outside the home) has its own challenges, and the responsibility of nurturing your relationship falls equally on husbands and wives. And nurturing can mean many, many different things. It can be as simple as catching an episode of your favorite TV show together a couple of times a week, or making it a point to have an actual conversation before bed. But like I said, BOTH need to make the effort!

    I also think that you hit on a good point--that being in survival mode is just a season. At some point, that season will end and another will begin. The pressure to act like that doesn't happen is ridiculous. We can't all always be on our honeymoon!

  2. You both work and you have two children. That makes it tough on everyone. You guys should be equal even though I do know that more responsibilities falls onto the mother when it comes to the children. You both need to keep your marriage working, not just you!