So I've had a few things on my mind lately. And I think it's probably about time to go ahead and get them off my chest.
Speaking of chest, let's start with that. Mine is becoming non-existent. I mean, I can completely understand why people have enhancement surgeries, especially after kids. I've always been small. Always. But after Ethan, I was happier with what I had to offer than I was before. Sure the perkiness wasn't the same, but what lacked in perkiness was made up for in substance. They were a whole size bigger than my previous self. And I was happy with that.
Until recently, I've had a lot MORE substance in the chest area. But as I've backed off the whole be-a-cow thing, they've dwindled. And I do mean dwindled. In fact, if timed just right after a feeding, one is significantly smaller than the other because the left one has always carried more milk. It ALMOST makes me want to break out the pump again! But alas, my breastfeeding days are slowly coming to an end and I'm going to have to face reality eventually. I'm going to be small and flat. The hubs doesn't seem to care and is likely tired of hearing my broken record player bemoaning the changes to my body. I mean, wow, this second kid has taken a toll. I have a muffin top that won't budge, even if I do currently weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy. And I'm quickly dwindling into nothing on top, leaving little the detract from the muffin in my midsection. And I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it.
I suppose that when this is all over, if I'm able to still wear the many very expensive bras I bought pre-Dylan, I'll stop complaining and accept that I haven't really lost anything other than the milk, but if that's not how it works, this momma is going to be one sad puppy! And I hate that it bothers me so much!
But there are other things I hate right now, too.
I had a plan. I wanted to keep Dylan organic until he was at least one. I have failed. In fact, I recently switched from Earth's Best Organic formula to Simply Right (generic Enfamil) non-organic. GASP!
Why? Because I simply can't afford to keep up. Now that Dylan is more formula fed than breastfed (I still feed him in the evenings, at night, and mornings), he's really going through the formula and those little Earth's Best cans are pricey. And before anyone dares to think it's selfish of me, I'm fairly certain that unless you were to completely understand my money in vs. money out situation, that judgment isn't valid.
The truth is I live in a two-income household. And I pay childcare for two kids. And I have a child that requires activity, and guess what? Activities aren't cheap. And I live in the stupid country with exorbitant gas prices, and carpooling with the hubs is not an option.
And Ethan had Simply Right and he's just fine. There I said it. I said the phrase that aggravates me so much!
But here's the thing. It IS expensive to buy all organic. And I don't have the time or energy to "shop around" for the best deals. Oh, and I don't have the gas money either. Period. And so I've accepted that maybe Dylan's little body isn't getting EVERYTHING organic, but neither did his brother. At the end of the day, I still make sure that he gets organics from the Dirty Dozen list, that his refined carb intake is at a minimum, that he will not eat sugary treats or drinks until at least age two....longer for the drinks. Ethan rarely even gets fruit juice drinks and he's four! And guess what? Earth's Best has chemicals in it, too. So he wasn't 100% chemical free.
The fact is that we all can't live in that wonderful place where we can afford to feed our families the VERY BEST. All we can do is OUR BEST. And that looks different for everyone. And I have to accept that because I'm not trying to convince YOU that my decision is okay. I'm trying to convince ME.
After all, there are probably a few things that could go. Do I really need T.V.? Do I really need to eat out once a week? Or go to lunch with friends? Or put Ethan in Tae Kwon Do or Wrestling? Or take him to therapy? Do I really need to go to that concert in May? Do I need to take advantage of parent's night out opportunities, paying for both a fee for the children AND dinner or a drink?
Nah, I probably don't NEED any of those things....but maybe Ethan does. And maybe, just maybe, I like to feel like a human being sometimes separate from my children by enjoying something my husband and I used to do all that time....see a show. Maybe that type of thing actually HELPS my marriage. Or maybe taking a night off from the kids actually helps us gain some perspective OUTSIDE of being parents, which is a daily grind that has its ups and downs along with an ability to make us forget we're people.
And maybe, just maybe, I worked DAMN hard to get to a place where I could do these things and NOT feel guilty about it. And so maybe others may find my jump off the organic bandwagon as selfish....but I won't accept that thought from myself. Maybe it's self preservation. After all, this parenting thing is stressful enough without stressing about how I'm going to make it all work.