Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Mama I'm Coming Home....

I guess I have a "song" theme going on around here. and here's another one that's been on my mind. Mama, I'm Coming Home by Ozzy.

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain't the same
Mama, I'm coming home
Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, I'm coming home 

I talked to my mother yesterday. Turns out she spent two days in the hospital with her third bout of pneumonia this season.This time, her heart rate plummeted to 34 beats per minute. Her oxygen was low. Her blood pressure, erratic. She doesn't remember anything past going back for her chest xray. I contend that it's because when things get that haywire, the body goes into survival mode, feeding all the blood to those vital organs. And, her brain wasn't getting enough oxygen.

She's home now. She's better. For now. The doctor told her something I've known and something she probably knew, too. "If you don't quit smoking, you won't see your grandchild go to kindergarten." Lillyan is just over 1.5 years. That's about three years away. And so she's trying.

I want to believe she can quit. I want to believe that my sister will have the ability to look beyond her own nicotine addiction and quit as well. I hope she can do it soon because she's not on oxygen 24/7 yet. If she quits now, she could have quite a bit of life left in her. And I want her to have that.

You made me cry, you told me lies
But I can't stand to say goodbye
Mama, I'm coming home
I could be right, I could be wrong
Hurts so bad, it's been so long
Mama, I'm coming home 

Anyone that's been around here any length of time knows that my relationship with my mother has been rather rocky.  We have always viewed the world behind a different set of lenses and it's a rare day when our eyesight is the same. But that doesn't mean I don't love my mother. It doesn't mean I hurt for her. It doesn't mean that the thought of her leaving isn't scary. I know I'm strong. I know I'll be okay, but I don't want to deal with it. So as this conversation progressed and she started telling me her wants and wishes, I closed my eyes and fought back the idea of crying. It's not time to cry yet.

Over the past few years, my mother has changed. We still don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but I think she's done a lot of reflecting. And while apologies may have been shrouded in conversation, I could still here them. Admissions were still made. And really, that's all I can expect. What I know is that my mother loves Lillyan with all she's got. And while that doesn't seem fair to the other grandkids, mind included, she's with that little girl day in and day out. Of course the bond is stronger.

I've seen your face a thousand times
Everyday we've been apart
I don't care about the sunshine, yeah
'Cause Mama, Mama, I'm coming home 

I'm not actually going "home." Obviously. But this song speaks so much to how I feel. And what's funny is that I just woke up singing it this morning. I don't listen to Ozzy. Haven't in years. But this morning, this song was there and it refuses to leave. What I do want is to visit more often. I want to spend more time with her. I want my kids to know who she is because no matter what, she's my mother and I love her. 

1 comment:

  1. You know I understand where you're coming from even if your situations were different they were so much the same. I'm SO sorry that all of this happened and yet my loud mouth didn't hear any of it earlier today.

    I'm sure we'll talk over lunch. But if you need a ear between today and tomorrow I'm here. I'm also game for a car ride if you need a road trip buddy :o). No judgement here. I get it.